Joke Of The Day

edited January 2012 in Other stuff
Keep it nice & clean please - no nasties!
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  • I met my wife at a fancy dress party. I still remember it well, she had gone together with her fat mate as the number ten.





    I knew immediately she was the one.
  • Here's one that the kids at work like...

    Q. Why must all the Teletubbies go to the toilet at the same time...?

    A. Because there's only one Tinky-winky.
  • Here's one from Milton Jones.

    Q. Does your wife have a job?
    A. Hmmm...It's not easy to say actually. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
  • Here's one from Milton Jones.

    Q. Does your wife have a job?
    A. Hmmm...It's not easy to say actually. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
    Luvvit! :-)
  • Nice one Ben!

    I am slowly developing an irrational fear of sausages, this has plagued me for years as I love sausages - I am just frightened of them.

    I went to the doctor of course, I've been in therapy, had counselling, but it seems there's nothing they can do. It's getting worse and worse,


    I fear the Wurst!
  • Last week I quit my job at the helium balloon factory. I just stormed into the boss' office and said "you can't speak to me in that tone of voice anymore".
  • My wife has skin like a peach.





    Have you ever seen the skin on a 35 year old peach?
  • I've just read in this morning's 'paper that a man drowned in his own muesli yesterday.

    Apparently he was pulled in by a strong currant.
  • Fantastic! 10/10, I haven't heard that for so long I had forgotten it!

    I was travelling by train this week, but the flippin' toilet was out of order in my coach!! I had to hold it for at least 20 minutes!

    Then a woman looked at me with disgust and asked: "Is that a poo in your hand?"
  • SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.
    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.
    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.
    BUREAUCRATS
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.
    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
    No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.
    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.
    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.
    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.
    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.
    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive.
    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks
    You naturally eat both
    The banks call to collect their milk
    You are out getting a haircut.

  • edited December 2011
    I am ill.

    I have man flu.

    I may not survive.

    Be strong everyone, I will let you know if I survive.

    I am reminded of this video, which underscores the severity of my situation.







  • Police are hunting a dangerous man with on eye.








    typical inneficiency.
  • I just completed a jigsaw puzzle. I am very proud with myself, it only too me three months!








    The box says 3 - 4 years.
  • I went to see the lepers ice hockey match at the weekend, but it was cancelled after there was a face-off in the corner.

  • PACPAC
    edited January 2012
    An elderly shepherd was tending to his flock on a remote hillside when a BMW pulls up, a young fella in an Armani suit jumps out and says "if I can tell you how many sheep you've got, can I take one?"

    The old shepherd thinks for a minute eyeing the man suspiciously and syas "Aye, why not"

    The smartly dressed chap pulls out a Blackberry plugs it into his laptop and dials into a NASA satelite, takes a picture from 80 miles up, downloads the image and then emails his office who run an algarhythm programme, outputting data to a spreadsheet and uploading the data to a mainframe from which an e:mail is returned to the young fella standing by his car.  He downloads the spreadsheet, attaches a mobile printer and prints out the answer, eventually saying to the shepherd "you have exactly 3014 sheep"

    "Arrrr, that be right" says the shepherd, "may as well take your beasty then".

    The young man chases an animal until it loses the will to resist and bundles into his car, but before he leaves the old boy says "Are you by any chance a Consultant young feller?"

    "I am" says the man, "but how did you guess?"

    "Well" says the old man, "you came uninvited onto my land offering to tell me the answer to a question that didn't need asking and to which I already knew the answer.  Now give me back my sheepdog and be on your way". 
  • Jamie Oliver can feed a family of four for £5 at Sainsbury's. Antony Worral-Thompson can feed a family of four for nothing at Tesco.
  • So, Millets has gone into administration.

    Now is the winter of our discount tent.
  • So Antony Worral Thomson was caught steeling cheeses from Tesco?



    How very Dairy!
  • the insomniac agnostic dyslexic chap doesn't sleep much you know...he tends to lay awake all night wondering if Dog really exists.
  • edited January 2012
    Wasn't he related to the dyslexic atheist fisherman who didn't beleive in Cod?
  • PACPAC
    edited January 2012
    That's terrible Alan  :-(

  • Well thank you, mr teapot! You're not so white yourself... :P
  • I know, but no harm in trying to get the high ground first ;)
  • "We don't serve neutrinos in here."










    A neutrino walks into a bar.
  • If a tree makes no sound when it falls in a forest with no-one to hear it, will my wife make no sound if I buy a new amp and don't tell her?
  • I went to the toy shop in town earlier. I asked if they had an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner. They had one, so I asked if they'd put it on one side for me
  • edited January 2012
    Stolen freshly today:

    What is the difference between a knight in armour & a very bad baker?

    One darts into the foe, the other...

    --------

    I have a cat called Minton who swallowed my spare shuttlecock today. Bad Minton!

    --------

    I just bought Worral Thompson's new cook book. It's called 'A Free Lunch'.

    --------

    I saw a personalised number plate today: B44 BAA. It looked great on a black Jeep.

    image
  • edited January 2012
    Instructions: Say this joke with the accent of an old American Jew (taken from BBC4 'Old Jews Telling Jokes').


    Man walks into health food shop, owned by old Jewish guy.

    "Excuse me, do you have any nuts?" he asks.

         "No, I don't have nuts" is the reply.

    "OK, do you have dates?".

         "If I had nuts I would have dates".
  • My dear old friend, a train enthusiast, has been depressed for years. He decided finally to end it all by throwing himself under the wheels of a particular steam locomotive that he was very fond of.

    He was chuffed to bits.
  • It looks like the financial markets aren't concerned about the company that owned that Italian liner. 

    Apparently they had a massive turnover recently.


  • edited January 2012
    Mahatma Gandhi famously walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a serious set of calluses on his feet.

    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.

    This made him:


    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • image

    A bit of satire for you.
  • @Jim & @Uglymusic were taking a stroll along Hastings seafront, when a seagull dropped it's load all over @Jim's new flat cap.

    Taking it off, he turned to @Uglymusic and asked him if he had any tissues paper with him?

    "what for?" asked @Uglymusic, "He's probably miles away by now"!
  • The Grim Reaper came for me last night (I'd have preferred a seagull)... I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

    Talk about dyson with death!
  • The minus key on my calculator is broken.

    But on the plus side, it still works :-)
  • Excellent! :-))

    image
  • I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams, but I had a near miss today.

    I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in, and that was that.

    Those less suspecting might not be so lucky...
  • Due to a misunderstanding, the government invested heavily in humorous duck feather quilts.

    The Tickle Down Economy was a terrible failure.
  • She was only a Somerset farmer's daughter, but she loved a bit of pork in cider  :@) ; 3:-O
  • Current fav' in our house:

    "Knock knock."
    "Who's there?"
    "Smeleep"...
  • If they make it illegal to wear the veil in the workplace, Bee-keepers will be furious.
  • Sir Cliff Richard was recently performing his first concert in China when he took a break during the show and asked the audience for any requests, a little old lady with broken English and strong chinese accent spoke up and said " please Sir Cliff, could you sing " Tits and Fanny " for me please ", being a good christian boy Cliff was naturally taken aback and thought he must have misheard so he said " I'm sorry my dear but I don't think thats one of my songs, perhaps you could sing the first line for me? " the old lady looks a little nervous and then belted out " Tits and Fanny, how we don't talk anymore "
  • I have seen this a few time but well worth watching.

  • I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up at 3am and made tea in my pyjamas. I couldn't find the teapot anywhere...
  • edited February 2012


  • edited February 2012

    An Australian Love Poem.......

     

    Of course I love ya darlin
    You're a bloody top-notch bird
    And when I say you're gorgeous
    I mean every single word

    So ya bum is on the big side
    I don't mind a bit of flab
    It means that when I'm ready
    There's somethin there to grab

    So your belly isn't flat no more
    I tell ya, I don't care
    So long as when I cuddle ya
    I can get my arms round ya there

    No Sheila who is your age
    Has nice round perky breasts
    They just gave in to gravity
    But I know ya did ya best

    I'm tellin' ya the truth now
    I never tell ya lies
    I think it's very sexy
    That you've got dimples on ya thighs

    I swear on nanna's grave now
    The moment that we met
    I thought you was as good as
    I was ever gonna get

    No matter what u look like
    I'll always love ya dear
    Now shut up while the rugby's on
    And fetch another beer



  • For some reason, I hadn't watched this when it was posted. Fantastic!
  • That is brilliant Col! Almost enough to make you like piano music?
    ;)
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