Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "That's great to hear," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
“Brilliant man”, said his friend
That night at the party, the host hears a knock at the door and opens
it to find both the Jamaican men almost completely naked. All that is
protecting their modesty is the bowl of custard which the first man has
held at his crotch with his junk fully submerged in the yellow desert,
while the second man has the large pear shoved on the end of his erect
cock. A little taken aback the host just manages to ask what emotion
they may possibly be dressed as. To which the first man replies..
“I am f'*@~ing dis custard”
And the second man says…
“And I ‘ave come deep in dis pear”
So Tell Us How You Feel About Sex
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."Jack Nicholson"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."Robin Williams "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."Robin Williams "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan RiversSex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."Oscar Wilde
" A lot of women have it but are not sharing"
"Sex is what the woman shares until she want's a divorce then she just want's your money and sole"
What do you call a guy with no shin?
SENIOR DRIVER My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused, and instead, asked him to come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls... Control yourself!