Joke Of The Day

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  • edited February 2016

    Woman Shocks Her New Husband On Her Wedding Night By Saying THIS.

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 
    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, It's my first time." 

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales rep: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 
    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 
    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 
    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 
    Husband #5 was an engineer: he under-stood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 
    Husband #6 was from finance and ad-ministration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 
    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 
    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

    "That's great to hear," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


  • An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."

    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is petrol.

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is petrol.

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!

    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note)

    Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back; that will be £500."

    Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*
  • I have decided to end it all the hard way.

    image

    And catch trout in teeth as the rod is useless.
  • What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

    Chicken sees a salad.
  • Bah! I was just about to post the very same joke!
  • Oh, if we're going for oldies, how about...

    What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

    A dou-you-think-he-saw-us.
    :-\"
  • =))

    you guys are really helping me traipse through this pile of marking today. keep it up, you're helping me stay sane!!
  • Sane and you are on Chews , Hey guys lets give 6 toes the works he he , They're coming to take me away Ha Ha he he to the happy farm.
  • I would impress you all with my chemistry jokes, but I know I wouldnt get a reaction (teehee)

    Marking abandoned. Now pretending to clean around the house as an excuse to have the hifi up loud.
  • Alan said:
    image
    Fear not, rescuers Cam 'n' Bert were fast on the scene....
  • Pinched this one from the 'Wam, made I larf!

    "The man who invented predictive text died yesterday.

    His funfair is next monkey."
  • Tools for the modern man a must have.

    image
  • edited February 2016
    I wasn't going to post this one but Dave gave me the green light so blame him  ;)

    Fortunately I managed to find a cleaner and less racist version, yes, honestly!

    "Two jamaican men are invited to a costume party...

    The invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”. Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of custard. He then took the biggest pear he could find from the fruit bowl and presented them to his friend.

    “Brilliant man”, said his friend

    That night at the party, the host hears a knock at the door and opens it to find both the Jamaican men almost completely naked. All that is protecting their modesty is the bowl of custard which the first man has held at his crotch with his junk fully submerged in the yellow desert, while the second man has the large pear shoved on the end of his erect cock. A little taken aback the host just manages to ask what emotion they may possibly be dressed as. To which the first man replies..

    “I am f'*@~ing dis custard”

    And the second man says…

    “And I ‘ave come deep in dis pear”

  • Oh dear, that put me right of Custard and his Tart on last stand.
  • A shall partially redeem myself...


    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

    "Well, how was it?"

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:









    "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

  • So Tell Us How You Feel About Sex


    "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

    George Burns




    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

    Sharon Stone 


    "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

    Tiger Woods 



    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

    Jack Nicholson



    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 

    Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady)     


    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

    Robin Williams 




    "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

    Jerry Seinfeld 


    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

    Robin Williams 


    "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." 

    Joan Rivers


    Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. 

    Steve Martin 




    "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

    Oscar Wilde


    " A lot of women have it but are not sharing"


    James Collins.


    "Sex is what the woman shares until she want's a divorce then she just want's your money and sole"


    James Collins.

  • What does a fish say when in swims into a wall?








    DAMN!

  • >
    >
    >
    > *WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS*
    >
    >
    >
    >  *Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little
    > depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. *
    >
    > *She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in* *phone
    > books for escorts and sensual massages."*
    >
    >  *She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
    > himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
    > flexing in the photo.*
    >
    > *He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair,
    > long powerful legs,* *dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
    > certain she could bounce a  dime off his well-oiled buns .......*
    >
    >  *She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.*
    >
    >  *"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?*
    >
    >  *Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! *
    >
    >  *Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in,
    > "I hear you give a great massage.* *I'd like you to come to my motel room
    > and give me one. No, wait,* *should be straight with you. I'm in town all
    > alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.* *Bring
    > implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. * *We'll go
    > at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
    > anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”*
    >
    >  *He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic,* *but you need to press 9 for
    > an outside line."*
  • What do you call a guy with no shin?

    Tony !
  • Truly awful!!!! :-)
  • Suzy6toes said:
    What do you call a guy with no shin? Tony !
    A cricketer ?

  • What do you call a hideous creature with too many limbs?


    Grew some!
  • I have developed an irrational fear of overcomplicated structures.

    It's a complex complex complex.
    :>
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    SECA lovers
  • I went to a zoo the other day...there was only one animal there...it was a dog....yes, that's right...it was a shitzu.
  • I bought shoes from a drug dealer. 

    I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
  •  
    SENIOR DRIVER 
     
    My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. 

     
    He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. 
     
    He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving." 
     
    "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.  

     
    "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 

     
    'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!" 

  • image

    New Garden furniture.
  • edited April 2016

    The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner 
    Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.


    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

     
    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
     
    Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
     
    They refused, and instead, asked him to come out to the parking lot to their car.
     
    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
     
    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
      
    Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
     
    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
     
    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

     Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls...
     
    Control yourself!

  •   Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy"
    THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY BUT UNFORTUNATELY ITS TRUE! THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!!

     

    Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. 
    * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. 
    * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. 
    * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

     
    Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
    Think about this: 
    1. Cows 
    2. The Constitution 
    3. The Ten Commandments

     
    COWS
    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

     
    THE CONSTITUTION
    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
    why don't we just give them ours? 
    It was written by a lot of really smart guys, 
    it has worked for over 200 years, 
    and we're not using it anymore.

     
    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
    you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 
    'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 
    'Thou Shall Not Lie' 
    in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, 
    it creates a hostile work environment.

     
    Also, think about this .....
    If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- 
    YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
  • Why did Adele cross the road? 

    To say hello from the other side.
  • My recent struggle with steroid addiction has made me a stronger person.
  • Why did the Tofu cross the road.

    To prove it wasn't chicken.
  • If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tadpole?

    My mate just bought a pub and wants to name it "Prince Charming" or "Goody Two Shoes". I tried to talk him out of it but he was Adamant.

    I used to be in a band that we called "The Prevention", hoping that people would like us better than "The Cure".

    What did the cockeral say when he found most the hens had been killed over night?
    "Oh for fox sake!"
  • Very fine!!
    :))

    How do you think the unthinkable?  With an iceberg.  (You have to lisp)
  • Spot the sign for the big Americans living in New York.

    image

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  • Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland.

    "I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied. 

    "Only 1-0?" Said the reporter. 

    "Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!"
  • Size does matter when you are jumping if it takes to long you get depressed on the way down.

    image
  • This is what all of us: 70+, other seniors, and kids (south of 60) have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. 

    The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

    An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

    When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
  • edited July 2016
    Has Geoff expresses his joy of screwing me over.

    image
  • Spotted this in the list of offers on Freecycle this week. What state British motherhood in 2016??!

    OFFER: newborn+ clothes
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