ION man competition for the Rings of Saturn award.
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!”
A prospective husband in a bookstore “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 2nd floor.”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?
Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask.
Wife: I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day.” Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says the same thing – “today is a fine day.” Finally, after a week, the wife asks her husband – “since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband: “Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you."
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver thehorse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”Donald has now moved into the White House.
Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill? Because it wanted to get to the bottom.
Two fish were swimming up river when they met another fish going the other way. "What type of fish are you" asks the solitary fish upon which one of the pair looks at his partner and says " don't tell him Pike".
What's pink and wrinkly, and can sometimes be seen hanging out your trousers?
Your mum. :P
That's your mum, that is!