Joke Of The Day

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  • Will they split? I hear newborns are expensive to run.
  • edited August 2016

  • ION man competition for the Rings of Saturn award.
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  • Loving that, Col :)
  • AntiCrap said:
    ION man competition for the Rings of Saturn award.
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    Boy can I relate to that.
  • Never take advise from a man when it concerns the heart.

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  • Bunny

    ...both cute, and slightly macabre! 
  • A termite walked into a saloon and asked, “Is the bar tender here?"
  • No said the bar tender it's "Male Hog and Knee" and very chewy.
  • A CEO, throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!” 
    Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.” 
    The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!”
  • I burnt my Hawaiian pizza this morning.....should have used Aloha setting.
  • That's well down to Chews standards :-D
  • edited November 2016
    I like the pizza joke!

    >How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?
    Wonton

    >"Hello, is your bike still for sale?"
    "Yes it is"
    "What's the lowest you'll go on it?"
    "About 2mph, any slower and I fall off"

    >Feargal Sharky was out for hours buying a new fireplace.
    He said "A good hearth is hard to find"

    >People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
    But take a look at me now!
  • edited November 2016
    Some creaky old jokes, but WTH?

    A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
    The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!”


    A prospective husband in a bookstore “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
    Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 2nd floor.”


    Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv.  What’s the secret?
    Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask.


    Wife: I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.
    Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!


    Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day.” Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says the same thing – “today is a fine day.” Finally, after a week, the wife asks her husband – “since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
    Husband: “Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you."

  • Monkey's Audio has all the good file names

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  • A red Indian introduced me to his wife...
    "This is four horses"
    I said "Wow, great name, what's its significance?"
    He said "nag, nag, nag, nag."

    I was at the ATM and the old lady in front asked me to check her balance...
    So I pushed her over!

    Prince Charles said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his birthday party.
    Prince Philip said he didn't care and would attend regardless.
  • A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the
    horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

    Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

    The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

    Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

    The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

    Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

    The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

    Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

    A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

    Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

    The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

    Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

    Donald has now moved into the White House.

  • A man gets caught stealing a battery, another stealing fireworks. Police charged one of them, and let the other one off.
  • Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill? Because it wanted to get to the bottom.
  • edited March 26
    uglymusic said:
    Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill? Because it wanted to get to the bottom.
    Why did the loo roll go round the bend? Because his life had turned to $#!T.
  • Why do cows have hooves?

    Because they Lactose.
  • "Why won't Republicans impeach Trump? Because they always insist on keeping a baby to full term."
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