Joke Of The Day

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  • That is brilliant Col! Almost enough to make you like piano music?
    ;)
    Your dead he he
  • edited February 2012









    Ann Summers fatality



    A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.





    He
    is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price,
    the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest
    item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.





    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him











    Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.





    It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.





    I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.





    So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.





    The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.







    His funeral is this Thursday.






  • edited February 2012
    Nice I like that, I will tell Kathy. And maybe I want have to go to Specsavers.

    Digital lies:-
  • It was pancake day on Tuesday!!  :O

    That creped up on us...

  • That was a crepey pun, that was  =))
  • I Thought is was a little flat and doughy. ~O)
  • What do you get if you cross a cement mixer and a Hen?

    image

    A Bricklayer!!
  • The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

    By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
  • Archaeologists working in Egypt have just found a lost tomb containing a mummy coated with chocolate & nuts.

    They are calling him Pharoah Rocher.
    :P
  • edited March 2012
    Oh. Ouch. OOOOwwwwww!!!!  [-X :-D
  • Dear
    Mrs. Wonfor,

    Whilst we would like to thank you for your
    valued custom and use
    of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of
    our store in Bristol is
    considering banning you and your family from
    shopping with us, unless your
    husband stops his antics.

    Below
    is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our
    surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
    randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

    2.
    July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. Jan 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
    an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... And watched what
    happened..

    4. February 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
    to a carpeted area.

    5. March 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor
    clothing department and  told shoppers he'd invite them in if
    they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

    6. March 23:
    When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,  he began
    to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    7.
    April 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
    picked his nose, and ate it.

    8. May 10: While appearing to be
    choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant
    if he knew where the antidepressants were.

    9. May 11:
    Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission
    Impossible' theme.

    10.May 16: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

    11.
    May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK
    ME!' 'PICK ME!'

    12. May 21: When an announcement came over the
    loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's
    those voices again.'

    And; last, but not least:

    13. May
    23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then
    yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
     



    Sincerely
    yours,



    Dean
    Laurent, Assistant manager.

  • Archaeologists working in Egypt have just found a lost tomb containing a mummy coated with chocolate & nuts.

    They are calling him Pharoah Rocher.
    :P
    Joke of the week! :-)
  • A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,  so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him  in the arms of a redhead.

    Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
    and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

    The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
    reported the crime.

    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
    patrolling nearby was the first to respond. 

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
    blonde ran out on the porch,  shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
    possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman.'
  • image
    Mine ! Mine !
  • A friend of mine loved country walks and farm machinery, especially tractors until the time he slipped over in a corn field during harvest time and was run over by a tractor.  Up to that point, he could be found, camera in hand, snapping John Deeres, Fords and Massey Fergasuns on his time off.  Unfortunately for him , the tractor that ran him over broke his legs so badly, he was in hospital for 6 months.

    He's out of hospital now.  Never goes near the countryside anymore. I noticed that every time his wife was cooking, he sat right by the cooker taking deep breaths then would walk over to the window and exhale.  I asked him what he was doing.  He said "I'm an ex-tractor fan" :((
  • OWWWWWW!!!!!!!! :-D
  • Ha! Nice one Paul, I feel inspired...


    Some years after the great biblical flood of Noah's day, God called Noah out of retirement with a final commission: "I want you to build me another ark", He said.

    "I want you build to the same dimensions as last time, only now you are to paint the bitumen on the inside of the ark, not the outside. I want three stories, only this time without windows. When you are finished, you are to fill it with water".

    "But why?" asked Noah.

    "I want you you to fill the ark with mirror carp, ghost carp and all varieties of Koi carp, on all three levels", God continued.

    "It is to be a multi-story carp-ark".


  • That's just as bad! :-)

  • I just paid 100 raisins for 50 sultanas!

    Damn the current exchange rate!
  • Isn't that joke a bit dated?


    =))
  • ..and I though mine was bad enough! (it probably was)
  • I think I am addicted to placebos.

    I planned to quit but then I decided it probably wouldn't make any difference...
  • I once got part time work in a bakery you know.

    I kneaded the dough
  • Stop! Stop! :-D
  • One for Ben:

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who was fired because she couldn't control her pupils?
  • I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went....then it dawned on me!

    So this dyslexic man walks into a bra...

    I hated my beard at first. Then it started to grow on me.

    A pretty girl said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.
  • The inventor of the TV remote control just died.

    The BBC announced he's gone over to the other side.
  • Facebook...
  • Ouch! You weren't, were you Jim?..

  • What do you call an alligator in a vest?

    An Investigator.
  • Ouch! You weren't, were you Jim?..


    Was I what? An investor?  No chance!

    I find it laughable that the so called financial experts thought it was OK to attempt to sell a "company" that doesn't produce anything and has no inherent value - of any kind TBH.
  • Ouch! You weren't, were you Jim?..


    Was I what? An investor?  No chance!

    I find it laughable that the so called financial experts thought it was OK to attempt to sell a "company" that doesn't produce anything and has no inherent value - of any kind TBH.
    I was only Tweeting this morning about how crap their mobile experience is. Considering how many people probably access from phones and tablets, it's incredible that they have invested in that part of their business.
  • One for Ben:

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who was fired because she couldn't control her pupils?
    You can have that one back sir.
  • I think I am addicted to placebos.

    I planned to quit but then I decided it probably wouldn't make any difference...
    I'll have that one though. :-)
  • Ouch! You weren't, were you Jim?..


    Was I what? An investor?  No chance!

    I find it laughable that the so called financial experts thought it was OK to attempt to sell a "company" that doesn't produce anything and has no inherent value - of any kind TBH.
    How do they make any money? Is it just advertising?
  • And selling personal/aggregated data, I think.
  • For Sale,                                                                                                                                     this valuable space above.
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  • A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it.
  • A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it.
    Can I steal that for my signature ?
  • A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it.
    oooooh, physics geek joke
    :-))
  • A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it.
    Can I steal that for my signature ?
    Of course ;-)
  • A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it.
    oooooh, physics geek joke
    :-))
    Oh yes. And I used to be one (a physics geek, not a void, before anyone says it) :-)
  • I was going to re-tell the 'Neutrino walks into a bar' joke, but it's no longer accurate! :(
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