That is brilliant Col! Almost enough to make you like piano music?
Ann Summers fatalityA man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for himUpstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.His funeral is this Thursday.
DearMrs. Wonfor,Whilst we would like to thank you for yourvalued custom and useof the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager ofour store in Bristol isconsidering banning you and your family fromshopping with us, unless yourhusband stops his antics.Belowis a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by oursurveillance cameras:1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms andrandomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.3. Jan 19: Walked up to an employee and told her inan official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... And watched whathappened..4. February 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' signto a carpeted area.5. March 15: Set up a tent in the outdoorclothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in ifthey would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. 6. March 23:When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he beganto cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'7.April 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,picked his nose, and ate it.8. May 10: While appearing to bechoosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistantif he knew where the antidepressants were.9. May 11:Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the MissionImpossible' theme.10.May 16: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.11.May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICKME!' 'PICK ME!'12. May 21: When an announcement came over theloud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It'sthose voices again.'And; last, but not least:13. May23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; thenyelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
DeanLaurent, Assistant manager.
Archaeologists working in Egypt have just found a lost tomb containing a mummy coated with chocolate & nuts.They are calling him Pharoah Rocher. :P
Ouch! You weren't, were you Jim?..
Ouch! You weren't, were you Jim?..
Was I what? An investor? No chance!I find it laughable that the so called financial experts thought it was OK to attempt to sell a "company" that doesn't produce anything and has no inherent value - of any kind TBH.
One for Ben:Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who was fired because she couldn't control her pupils?
I think I am addicted to placebos.I planned to quit but then I decided it probably wouldn't make any difference...
A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it.
A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it. Can I steal that for my signature ?
A void is slightly different from a vacuum. But there's not a lot in it. oooooh, physics geek joke :-))