Joke Of The Day

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  • It coming up to the holiday season so I have added this link to warn of cheap flights BEWARE.
    Piano's go free.
    O:-)
  • The past, present and future all were in a bar.

    Man, it was tense....
  • I was stuck in traffic in London last week. When I saw a police officer approaching I asked him what was holding us up. He replied:

    "The chancellor has stopped his motorcade and got out onto the road. He's so depressed about the economy he is threatening to douse himself in petrol and light himself. He says that we simply dont have enough money to save the country. We're just having a collection for him now"

    "How much have you got?" I asked, getting out of the car.

    "About forty litres so far, but most are still syphoning".
  • I met a guy who packs jigsaw puzzles for a living.

    He's got his work cut out for him.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on the list.

    Light travels faster than light, which is why some people appear to be bright before they start speaking.

    Of course I want to agree with you, but then we would both be wrong...
  • Hey, what happened with my joke? It's come back again!
  • Where? I don't see it? Nor anything that might resemble it, for that matter!
  • Just above your 11:22pm joke.

    It has a 1 in the box to the left, as Ben said he set.

    Looks like the voting plug-in will have to be turned off :-(
  • Seriously mate - I don't see it! But my 'tense' joke - my perfect tense joke - has reappeared.
  • I see it Dave. I wonder where it's been?
  • Them there bugs have had it
    @-)
  • After the tragic death of their famous human cannonball during his performance, the circus issued the following statement:

    "We doubt we will find another man of his calibre again".
  • Nooooooooooo!
  • What did the cake say to the knife...?

    "So, do you want a piece of me...?"

    image
  • Joke of the day:

    Michael Shoesmacker takes a couple of years to get his first podium of his comeback (3rd place).

    Kimi Raikkonen makes his a second place just eight races into his comeback.
  • A young potato named Maris Piper brings her prospective husband home to meet her parents for the first time. His name is John Motson.

    After the evening is over and Motty has left, Maris asks her parents what they think of her beau, but it's immediately plain they are not happy at all.

    "Why couldn't you pick a nice, round young tater to marry, there are plenty to choose from. What about Gilbert the Jersey Royal, or maybe James from the early crop? I'm sure you would be happier...?"

    Maris defiantly replied that she loved Motty above all others, and was going to marry him.

    Her mother, now very upset, blurted "but why John Motson? He's not like us, he's....he's...a common tater!"
  • A Higgs boson walks into a church, only to be shouted at by the Priest: "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!"

    The Higgs Boson replied "But without me, how can you have mass?"
  • Alan, you're so particular...
  • Now, where have I heard that before? ;-)

  • =))

    nowt wrong with some bare faced plagarism
  • Why did Frank take a toilet roll to his brother's 21st birthday...?



    Because he was a party pooper.



    That's my level I'm afraid.
  • A man had a sore bottom and so visited his doctor.
    The doctor asked the man to drop his trousers for an examination.
    "hmmm," mused the doctor "I think I can see the problem..."
    "what is it?" asked the man
    "I can see a green leaf sticking out of your back passage" the doctor replied.
    "can't you just pull it out?" begged the man
    "I'm afraid it may be more serious than that." the doctor warned
    "why?" the man asked, suddenly worried
    The doctor looked sternly at the man and replied "I fear that this could be merely the tip of the iceberg."

  • X_X :-))
  • Where does a general keep his army?
    In his sleevy.
  • The Somali Olympic team have issued an apology for failing to realise that sailing and shooting are two seperate events!
  • Again bloody Drakeites

  • HaHa - great point! This countries naval dominance and wealth was largely built on piracy! (licensed piracy was called privateering).
  • A panic-stricken call comes into the 999 call centre:

    Caller:  "help...I had an argument with my wife and it got nasty...now I think she's dead!"

    Operator: "Calm down sir.  First things first..make sure she's actually dead and we'll take it from there and call the ambulance service for you";

    Caller: "Ok,..hang on a minute.." (sound of retreating footsteps followed by something being picked up...more footsteps and a clunk-click sound followed by a loud BANG!

    Caller:  "Ok...now what?"

    Bad taste..I know, I know
  • WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her walletI noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

  • A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
  • The Joke of the day, is why would I bother modifying another designer work, when I have enough of my own, and considering his stuff is designed to be bomb proof like his professional designs from the past.
    Oh it is me and other super geeks from NASA we have discovered the E-Biscay particle in the design.

    And now to make you giggle another Kit design he he.

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
    He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
    to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
    and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
  • I heard a didgeridoo version of 'Dancing Queen' today, I thought "That's Abbariginal".
  • edited August 2012
    Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

    You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.


    Two women where walking home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

    Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

    Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"
  • Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
    They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
    executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
    The first one, a redhead , is strapped in the electric chair and is
    asked if she has any last words She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to
    intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
    They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
    "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all
    immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
    The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya 'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
  • Terrible!
    :D

    Glad to see you're keeping the standards of this thread up :-)
  • http://vimeo.com/25845008

    Meet Bob watch until the very end.
  • A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

    "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

    "For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

    "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

    The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

    The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

    The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

    Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

    The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
  • We haven't had a joke for a while. And this one may be why :-)







    There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

     



    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.



    Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.



    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...



    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. 

     Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, 

    so he got down on his knees and cried:



    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"



    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
     

      





    (you're going to love this)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     







      







    "Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"

  • Fantastic! He has a lisp....

    My 7 year old's favourite:

    Q: how many ears does Spock have?

    A: three - a left ear, his right ear, and a final front ear!


    One day (when mum is not around), I shall add to Star trek joke reportoire with this beauty:

    Q: what does the starship Enterprise share in common with a roll of Andrex?

    A: they both circle Uranus, looking for Klingons.
  • SWMBO would say: The last time I heard those I fell off my dinosaur!
  • Is he recording the next Coldplay album?  :-S
  • Well done Al'.
    I like that.
    Visual learner, me.
  • PS in fairness, is the use of an analogue peak level meter in itself worthy of mention?
  • Also, the scenario doesn't allow for natural uncompressed transient peaks. (Unless the shot gun is somehow on some sort of time sensitive trigger, which activates only after several moments of peaking.)
    I'm liking it less now.
  • The VU is a filter level monitor, it goes bang only on piano recording, I would make those for anybody.
  • edited November 2012
    Yes, I hear your equipment is voiced for bagpipe reproduction!  :O  ;)
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