Joke Of The Day

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  • Col, I don't know if that was true or not, but it is very funny. :D


  • Almost as good as the shat. Some striking similarities in delivery, actually...
  • Every Christmas we'd see Santa,
    Down the chimney he would come.
    And then he'd empty both his sacks,
    Straight into my mum.
  • A LESSON ON IRONY 

    Two Statements that speak volumes:



    Irony 1

    “We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics."

    BUT on the other hand, "We are also encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics."

    How is that supposed to work?



    Irony 2.

    The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 47 million people as of the most recent figures available in 2013. Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."


    Thus Ends Today's Lesson On Irony
  • Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

    The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

    So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.

    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

    The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

    The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!

  • is worth the read!!

    Captain Jack’s

    A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them. They could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her. 

    Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls. 

    Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. 

    Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants. 

    Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol. 

    Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special. 

    Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible. 

    Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before. 

  • edited February 2014


    'Col offers 'Dick an early morning wake up call...
  • edited February 2014
    Somerset cartoonist keeps his sense of humour .
    image

  • THE BROTHEL"


    The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
    "May I help you sir?," she asked.

    The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
    Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

    He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

    "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there yet again.
    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
    "Where are you from?"
    The man replied," Idaho ."

    "Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho ."
    "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
    "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

    The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

    1. Death

    2. Taxes

    3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
  • The Duck Owner.

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As 
    she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his 
    stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. 

    After a moment or two, the vet 
    shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, 
    has passed away." 

    The distressed woman wailed, 
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied 
    the vet.. 

    "How can you be so sure?" she 
    protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or 
    something." 

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned 
    around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
    with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
    in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his 
    front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from 
    top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and 
    shook his head. 

    The vet patted the dog on the 
    head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he 
    returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also 
    delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
    back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and 
    strolled out of the room. 

    The vet looked at the 
    woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most 
    definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and 
    produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she 
    cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, 
    the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the 
    Cat Scan, it's now $150."
  • Owwwww!!!!!
  • The Duck Owner.

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As 
    she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his 
    stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. 

    After a moment or two, the vet 
    shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, 
    has passed away." 

    The distressed woman wailed, 
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied 
    the vet.. 

    "How can you be so sure?" she 
    protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or 
    something." 

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned 
    around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
    with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
    in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his 
    front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from 
    top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and 
    shook his head. 

    The vet patted the dog on the 
    head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he 
    returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also 
    delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
    back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and 
    strolled out of the room. 

    The vet looked at the 
    woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most 
    definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and 
    produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she 
    cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, 
    the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the 
    Cat Scan, it's now $150."
    That appeals to my silly sense of humour!
  • It's incredible to think all Scotsmen started life as Scotch eggs.

    Old & gingery.



    The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you have hayfever.



    If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, beekeepers are going to be furious.



    I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "i don't want to bore you with the detail...."



    (All credit to the mighty Milton Jones)

  • It's incredible to think all Scotsmen started life as Scotch eggs.

    Old & gingery.



    The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you have hayfever.



    If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, beekeepers are going to be furious.



    I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "i don't want to bore you with the detail...."



    (All credit to the mighty Milton Jones)

    All Hail Milton!  ^:)^
  • How to Give a Cat a Pill

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. 
    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. 
    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. 
    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. 
    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
    Call spouse in from the garden. 

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. 
    Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. 
    Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. 
    Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw 

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. 
    Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. 
    Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. 
    Take last pill from foil wrap. 

    13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

    14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

    15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. 

    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.
  • What if the hokey cokey is what it's all about?  @-)
  • If you hand a doctor an apple, does he immediately have an existential crisis?
  • edited April 2014
    From All About Jazz on Facebook:

    Just a reminder. In spite of all the "rakish" alterations to the AAJ Cafeteria menu, today is Taco Tuesday not Jaco Tuesday. Please do not bring any bass guitars into the cafeteria. No one can be expected to enjoy their tacos with 50 different bass solos going on.

    :-D
  • edited April 2014
    "Dad. When I grow up, I want to be a musician."

    "Son. You can't have both"
  • If Oscar Pistorias is standing on his stumps & holding a cricket bat, is he out?
  • DIY Hi-fi without knowledge takes balls but they can be lost quickly with just one mistake.

    image
  • No Crossover needed. cool.

    image  
  • DIY Hi-fi without knowledge takes balls but they can be lost quickly with just one mistake.

    image
    And we use amplifiers designed by this man? 

    I'm checking for stray wires between my legs.
  • No Crossover needed. cool.

    image  
    I saw that somewhere recently.
  • Sorry Col, I mistakenly deleted your joke.

    So here it is: 

    Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.

    He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

    Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

    It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.

    I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
  • Irish Sawmill Accident
    Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

    One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

    Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

    Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

    A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

    So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

    Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

    And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

    But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

    Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

    Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

    Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

    "No", says the nurse, "Some dopey ******* put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated
  • edited June 2014
    So I used to have a picture of Buddha on my wall but I replaced it with a picture of a cat.

    My friend asked me why I had changed it after so long.

    I said "That was zen, this is meow".
  • Nah. You did ask very nicely, Alan, but I don't really see myself in your Volvo.
  • Not so funny but deserving a mention.

    " I am normally a placid neighbor, our new neighbor, is loud her voice can be heard 300M away even when she is on the phone,she is a single mum and very nice.
    But today after a few days of not feeling so good her foghorn discordant voice just blow one of my fuses. 
    She is now discovering what it is like to live next to a Reggae fan at 400W/ch, oh on a endless loop it can get a bit boring. And for the special treat it will start again at 5.00AM.
    Maybe then her slow mind might cotton on some people can make more noise than a Jumbo Jet if pushed."
  • From Joe of Jo Sound.

    A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost. She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.

    Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree 54 min North latitude & 59 degree 41min West longitude.

    Lady: You must be an engineer.

    Man: How do you know?

    Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost.

    Engineer: You must be in Top Management.
    Lady: Ya. How do you know?

    Engineer: You don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!
  • Trust us! You want to read this story...

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
  • Fantastic!
  • Classic! :-)
  • His name is Subaru and the four wheel drive conked out.
  • edited July 2014
    This is the best use of Digital Pads, it just needs some Apple's.
    And in true Digital Bits.

  • WELCOME to 2014:
    • Our Phones – Wireless
    • Cooking – Fireless
    • Cars – Keyless
    • Food – Fatless
    • Tires –Tubeless
    • Dress – Sleeveless
    • Youth – Jobless
    • Leaders – Shameless
    • Relationships – Meaningless
    • Attitudes – Careless
    • Feelings – Heartless
    • Education – Valueless
    • Children – Mannerless
    • Country – Godless
    We are SPEECHLESS,
    Government is CLUELESS,
    And our Leaders are WORTHLESS !
    I'm scared - shitless *
  • Other forum sites have Whales like this, and the human.

    image
  • WELCOME to 2014:
    • Our Phones – Wireless
    • Cooking – Fireless
    • Cars – Keyless
    • Food – Fatless
    • Tires –Tubeless
    • Dress – Sleeveless
    • Youth – Jobless
    • Leaders – Shameless
    • Relationships – Meaningless
    • Attitudes – Careless
    • Feelings – Heartless
    • Education – Valueless
    • Children – Mannerless
    • Country – Godless
    We are SPEECHLESS,
    Government is CLUELESS,
    And our Leaders are WORTHLESS !
    A worthy comment Col, I couldn't agree more.
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