Joke Of The Day

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  • Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about
    their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
    and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob
    addresses the man behind the counter:

    "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

    Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds."

    Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

    Pharmacist: "You bet!"

    Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

    Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
    Parkinson's disease?"

    Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

    Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

    Pharmacist: "We sure do."

    Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

    Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

    Pharmacist: "Sure."

    Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."














  • Great timeless Truths           (I don't write them; I only pass them on.)



    In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame,  two is a law firm and three or more is a government.

    - John Adams



    If you don't read  the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

    -  Mark Twain



    Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government.  But then I repeat  myself.

    - Mark Twain



    I contend that for  a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

    - Winston Churchill



    A government which  robs Peter to pay Paul can always  depend on the support of Paul.

    - George Bernard Shaw



    Foreign aid might  be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

    - Douglas Casey,  Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University



    Giving  money and  power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to  teenage  boys.

    - P.J. O'Rourke,  Civil Libertarian



    Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.

    - Frederic Bastiat,  French economist(1801-1850)



     I don't make jokes. I just watch the  government and report the  facts.

     - Will Rogers



    If you think  health care is  expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

    - P.J. O'Rourke



    In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

    - Voltaire  (1764)



    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

    - Pericles (430  B.C.)



    No man's life,  liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

    - Mark Twain  (1866)



    Talk is cheap...except when government does it.

    - Anonymous



    The government  is  like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and  no  responsibility at the other.

    - Ronald Reagan



    The  only  difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves  the skin.

    - Mark Twain



    There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save government.

    - Mark Twain



    What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

    - Edward  Langley,  Artist (1928-1995)



    A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take away everything you have.

    - Thomas  Jefferson



    We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

    - Aesop



    FIVE BEST SENTENCES

    You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

    What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

    You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

    When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the

    other half gets the idea that it does no good to work,  because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the

    beginning of the end of any nation!

  • I'd divorce the missus but i don't want to make her happy 
  • That Cher is dead? 

    I predict increased album sales 
    :D
  • @Brain_Dead, This what I mentioned to you.

    image
  • I suppose it's better than having them rotting all over the place  @-)
  • Today, fed up with my OCD, my wife left me.
    As she went I told her to close the door behind her 5 times.
  • Also for Col:

    image
  • Father           So you want to marry our Enid do you?

    Young man    Yes sir I do

    Father            Well I think it's only fair that you should know she has Acute Angina


    Young man     Aye, she's got a lovely pair of tits as well.
  • Boom! Boom!
  • image




    I know, I saw it right away
    too.



     No safety glasses! 
    No
    hearing protection! 

    And I caught something else
    that is really important: He has no gloves
    on. 

    I might be up in age but I'm still sharp as a
    tack.


      --From Col! :D
  • The Taliban have apparently attempted to develop new molecular-level weapons to use against the west.  Radical ions.
  • Smart little girl.. 

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned 
    to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike 
    up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total 
    stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, 
    or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

    "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask 
    you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same 
    stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns 
    out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, 
    thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which 
    the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss 
    God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

    And then she went back to reading her book.
  • I spat coffee on my keyboard there Col, very good!
  • Never waste coffee even on family it all mine and Lasse.

    >:)
  • I wish I were joining you!
  • Went to the pub last night, I saw a big girl dancing on a table.

    "Great legs",  I said



    The girl giggled, and said "Do you really think so? "



    I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
  • Q: Why do elephants have four feet?

    A: Because in the animal kingdom, six inches just doesn't cut it.


    Q: Did you hear about the Irish lamppost?

    A: It peed on the dog.
  • An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

    "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

    The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
  • edited June 2013
    image

    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
    moment, a bee flew in his window.
    The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
    "I'm out of gas."
    The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes
    later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and
    into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out .
    "Try it now," said one bee.
    The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
    "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

     

    Scroll down

     

     

    Scroll down

     

     

    Scroll down

     

     

    The bee answered, "BP."

    BP and the other with the help of greed TAX are putting the price up again now that is taking the "BP" 

  • A woman calls for an ambulance, her husband has just had a stroke.

      "Please send it to the last house on Eucalyptus Avenue", she asks.

      "Can you spell the road name please?", asks the operator.

    She pauses for a few moments.

      "How about I drag him up to the corner of Oak Way instead?" she asks.
  • Kathy to a tee, she just rolled me down the hills in a black dustbin bag. Thank god it was a bank holiday and the dustman came on the Tuesday. :bz
  • You can't share a pun with a kleptomaniac. They just take everything, literally.
  • A psychopath would think you are talking about him. So stop it.   :-c
  • I could not give a Hoot, terrible group of bird brains. >:)
  • One of my favourites. Enjoy!! 
    A Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife 
    looks over at him and asks 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

    HUSBAND:
     Definitely not!'

    WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

    HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

    WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

    HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

    WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)


    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

    WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

    HUSBAND: 'Sure.. It's a great house.'

    WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

    HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

    WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

    HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

    WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

    HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do..'

    WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewellery?'

    HUSBAND: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'


    WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

    HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

    WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'

    HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

    WIFE: - silence -

    HUSBAND:' . . . .... SH*T !!!
  • A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

    The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.




    So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

    This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

    He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

    You know you're going to send this one on.
  • That's well down to standard, Col :-)
  • I used to feel like I was a boy, trapped in a woman's body.

    It ended though, the day I was born.
  • Boom! Boom!
    Bass music again, Dave the neighbours will be upset.

  • It was Sam who complained about me playing loud yesterday. It was only 91dB according to my iPhone app.
  • edited September 2013
    Well poor Simon, had his at 110dB+ on some B&W things with 100W Mono amps in a sound ish proof room. Poor devil so his IPAD Phone said, just before it exploded it's core and the pip went everywhere, to much juice me thinks, should have squashed it.
  • I imagine his fillings dropped out!
  • No the room extended into next door like your has.  :-))
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