And, today I have a version of a joke I've been carrying around with me since my 20s (no, you can't guess how long that is):
While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...” So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Now that you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven: choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."
The version I know has the people in hell up to their waists in shit, contentedly drinking tea, with the punchline: "Tea break over, stand on your heads".
I've used that line so many times. It's life, isn't it?
A man was about to enter a bar when he was approached by a nun waving a ‘Total abstinence’ banner. ‘Don’t go in there’, she said, ‘alcohol is the devil’s work’. ‘But I just want one pint, it’s been a tough day and I need to unwind’. ‘No you mustn’t, no good will come of drinking alcohol’.
‘Have you ever tried it’? the man asked, ‘No, certainly not’. ‘Well, perhaps you should try it just once. I’ll get you a drink, and if you don’t like it fine, but at least you’ll know what you’re talking about’. ‘Well, alright’, said the nun, ‘just get me one small drink. What do respectable ladies generally drink?’. ‘How about gin?’ the man suggested. The nun thought for a moment, ‘In that case, get me one gin, but put it in a cup so people won’t know I’m drinking alcohol’.
The man walked into the bar and said to the barman, ‘A pint of bitter and a small gin please, and can you put the gin in a cup?’. ‘Oh no’, said the barman ‘, is that bloody nun there again?’.
A little man sits sadly in a bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy comes along, hits the little guy on the shoulder and drinks his beer.
The little man starts to cry desperately, sobbing loudly.
The big one: “Don’t be like that, you plump wimp! Crying for a beer!”
The little one: “Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, the house was empty! Just after that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on a railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... my revolver jams! And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
3 guys died and went to heaven. Gatekeeper tells them they need a vehicle to get around. He’ll ask them a question and their answer will determine which vehicle they will get. To the first guy, “Did you ever cheat on your wife”
“No sir, I did not. Married a wonderful woman. Married for 65 years. Never thought to cheat. Totally happy. I would never do that. I was the luckiest guy around”
“That’s great…you can have a Rolls Royce.”
He gets in his car and drives off.
Asks the 2nd guy, “did you ever cheat on your wife”?
“Well, I was in the war. I got lonely. I sought companionship. I told my wife. She forgave me and I never did it again. But, this is heaven and I can’t lie…yes…I did cheat…ONCE”
“Sorry..a sin is a sin. You can have a Chevette (hey…it’s an old joke). Guy gets in his car and drives off
3rd guy. Same question.
“Absolutely. I was a traveling salesman. Had a lady in every city. Married for almost 60 years. My wife never suspected a thing. Worked up until my dying day. Cheated all the time and I would do it again.”
Gatekeeper is upset. Here, you can have a 10-speed bike and be grateful you got that.
Gets on his bike and starts to pedal down the road. Get a couple hundred yards and sees the 1st guy is pulled over, crying on his steering wheel.
“He Buddy, what are you crying about, you have the best vehicle of all of us”
1st guy picks his head up…sobs a bit…”yeah, I know, but my wife just passed me on roller skates”
This one may presuppose a Trump victory. Or it's a very old joke:
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)
Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up: “If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl then raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Is there someone else here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If Air Force One, carrying you Mr. President, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well” said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
An English street light repairman has been sent to a town in Wales to repair a row of antique street lights on the Main Road.
As he worked up on the poles he is passed by several of the villagers. “ Cheers” the Englishman would say with a friendly smile.
“F*ck off you English bastard” came the reply.
This went on all morning. Every time someone approached while the Englishman worked he would say “Cheers.”
“F*ck off you English bastard.” Was always the reply.
At lunch the Englishman decided to visit the local pub. The Barman served the Englishman a pint and started cleaning some glasses.
“Can I ask you something mate?”
“Sure” said the Barman.
“Every time someone passes me by while I’m working I say ‘cheers’ but everyone keeps saying ‘f*ck off you English bastard.”
“Ah,” said the bartender with a grin. “You have to speak the native tongue here. Next time someone approaches instead of saying Cheers say Yaki Dah. I think you will find people will be much more friendly to you”.
“Thank you!” said the Englishman excitedly. He then left the bar and went back to work.
As the Englishman worked he was very anxious for someone to approach him so he could try out what the bartender told him. But as luck would have it no one came. The Englishman became disappointed not seeing a single soul pass by now.
Suddenly a man came walking up the pavement towards him. The Englishman became excited as he watched the man approach. As soon as he was close the Englishman said “Yaki Dah!”
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Comments
While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...” So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Now that you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven: choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."
The version I know has the people in hell up to their waists in shit, contentedly drinking tea, with the punchline: "Tea break over, stand on your heads".
I've used that line so many times. It's life, isn't it?
A little man sits sadly in a bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy comes along, hits the little guy on the shoulder and drinks his beer.
The little man starts to cry desperately, sobbing loudly.
The big one: “Don’t be like that, you plump wimp! Crying for a beer!”
The little one: “Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, the house was empty! Just after that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on a railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... my revolver jams!
And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
Trump is having tea with HM Queen Elizabeth.
Trump: I think I’d like my country to be a Kingdom.
HM the Q: Well, you’d have to be a King to do that, and you are not one.
Trump: Well, an Empire, then.
HM the Q: Again, not possible, because you are not an Emperor.
Trump: Well, how about a Principality?
HM the Q: Well, the same problem. You are not a Prince. I’m afraid The US will have to remain a country.
I have no idea who the reflective man is.
He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the granny who bought a stair lift?
It’s driving her up the wall.
Hasn't done my sweatiness much good... Though, now, every time I fart, the room smells lovely.
3 guys died and went to heaven. Gatekeeper tells them they need a vehicle to get around. He’ll ask them a question and their answer will determine which vehicle they will get. To the first guy, “Did you ever cheat on your wife”
“No sir, I did not. Married a wonderful woman. Married for 65 years. Never thought to cheat. Totally happy. I would never do that. I was the luckiest guy around”
“That’s great…you can have a Rolls Royce.”
He gets in his car and drives off.
Asks the 2nd guy, “did you ever cheat on your wife”?
“Well, I was in the war. I got lonely. I sought companionship. I told my wife. She forgave me and I never did it again. But, this is heaven and I can’t lie…yes…I did cheat…ONCE”
“Sorry..a sin is a sin. You can have a Chevette (hey…it’s an old joke). Guy gets in his car and drives off
3rd guy. Same question.
“Absolutely. I was a traveling salesman. Had a lady in every city. Married for almost 60 years. My wife never suspected a thing. Worked up until my dying day. Cheated all the time and I would do it again.”
Gatekeeper is upset. Here, you can have a 10-speed bike and be grateful you got that.
Gets on his bike and starts to pedal down the road. Get a couple hundred yards and sees the 1st guy is pulled over, crying on his steering wheel.
“He Buddy, what are you crying about, you have the best vehicle of all of us”
1st guy picks his head up…sobs a bit…”yeah, I know, but my wife just passed me on roller skates”
This one may presuppose a Trump victory. Or it's a very old joke:
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)
Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up: “If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl then raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Is there someone else here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If Air Force One, carrying you Mr. President, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well” said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
An English street light repairman has been sent to a town in Wales to repair a row of antique street lights on the Main Road.
As he worked up on the poles he is passed by several of the villagers. “ Cheers” the Englishman would say with a friendly smile.
“F*ck off you English bastard” came the reply.
This went on all morning. Every time someone approached while the Englishman worked he would say “Cheers.”
“F*ck off you English bastard.” Was always the reply.
At lunch the Englishman decided to visit the local pub. The Barman served the Englishman a pint and started cleaning some glasses.
“Can I ask you something mate?”
“Sure” said the Barman.
“Every time someone passes me by while I’m working I say ‘cheers’ but everyone keeps saying ‘f*ck off you English bastard.”
“Ah,” said the bartender with a grin. “You have to speak the native tongue here. Next time someone approaches instead of saying Cheers say Yaki Dah. I think you will find people will be much more friendly to you”.
“Thank you!” said the Englishman excitedly. He then left the bar and went back to work.
As the Englishman worked he was very anxious for someone to approach him so he could try out what the bartender told him. But as luck would have it no one came. The Englishman became disappointed not seeing a single soul pass by now.
Suddenly a man came walking up the pavement towards him. The Englishman became excited as he watched the man approach. As soon as he was close the Englishman said “Yaki Dah!”
“F*ck off you Welsh bastard.” Said the man.