Last week I quit my job at the helium balloon factory. I just stormed into the boss' office and said "you can't speak to me in that tone of voice anymore".
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. BUREAUCRATS You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks You naturally eat both The banks call to collect their milk You are out getting a haircut.
An elderly shepherd was tending to his flock on a remote hillside when a BMW pulls up, a young fella in an Armani suit jumps out and says "if I can tell you how many sheep you've got, can I take one?"
The old shepherd thinks for a minute eyeing the man suspiciously and syas "Aye, why not"
The smartly dressed chap pulls out a Blackberry plugs it into his laptop and dials into a NASA satelite, takes a picture from 80 miles up, downloads the image and then emails his office who run an algarhythm programme, outputting data to a spreadsheet and uploading the data to a mainframe from which an e:mail is returned to the young fella standing by his car. He downloads the spreadsheet, attaches a mobile printer and prints out the answer, eventually saying to the shepherd "you have exactly 3014 sheep"
"Arrrr, that be right" says the shepherd, "may as well take your beasty then".
The young man chases an animal until it loses the will to resist and bundles into his car, but before he leaves the old boy says "Are you by any chance a Consultant young feller?"
"I am" says the man, "but how did you guess?"
"Well" says the old man, "you came uninvited onto my land offering to tell me the answer to a question that didn't need asking and to which I already knew the answer. Now give me back my sheepdog and be on your way".
I went to the toy shop in town earlier. I asked if they had an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner. They had one, so I asked if they'd put it on one side for me
Instructions: Say this joke with the accent of an old American Jew (taken from BBC4 'Old Jews Telling Jokes'). Man walks into health food shop, owned by old Jewish guy.
My dear old friend, a train enthusiast, has been depressed for years. He decided finally to end it all by throwing himself under the wheels of a particular steam locomotive that he was very fond of.
Sir Cliff Richard was recently performing his first concert in China when he took a break during the show and asked the audience for any requests, a little old lady with broken English and strong chinese accent spoke up and said " please Sir Cliff, could you sing " Tits and Fanny " for me please ", being a good christian boy Cliff was naturally taken aback and thought he must have misheard so he said " I'm sorry my dear but I don't think thats one of my songs, perhaps you could sing the first line for me? " the old lady looks a little nervous and then belted out " Tits and Fanny, how we don't talk anymore "
Comments
I knew immediately she was the one.
Q. Why must all the Teletubbies go to the toilet at the same time...?
A. Because there's only one Tinky-winky.
Q. Does your wife have a job?
A. Hmmm...It's not easy to say actually. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
I am slowly developing an irrational fear of sausages, this has plagued me for years as I love sausages - I am just frightened of them.
I went to the doctor of course, I've been in therapy, had counselling, but it seems there's nothing they can do. It's getting worse and worse,
I fear the Wurst!
Have you ever seen the skin on a 35 year old peach?
Apparently he was pulled in by a strong currant.
I was travelling by train this week, but the flippin' toilet was out of order in my coach!! I had to hold it for at least 20 minutes!
Then a woman looked at me with disgust and asked: "Is that a poo in your hand?"
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATS
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks
You naturally eat both
The banks call to collect their milk
You are out getting a haircut.
I have man flu.
I may not survive.
Be strong everyone, I will let you know if I survive.
I am reminded of this video, which underscores the severity of my situation.
typical inneficiency.
The box says 3 - 4 years.
How very Dairy!
A neutrino walks into a bar.
What is the difference between a knight in armour & a very bad baker?
One darts into the foe, the other...
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I have a cat called Minton who swallowed my spare shuttlecock today. Bad Minton!
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I just bought Worral Thompson's new cook book. It's called 'A Free Lunch'.
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I saw a personalised number plate today: B44 BAA. It looked great on a black Jeep.
Man walks into health food shop, owned by old Jewish guy.
"Excuse me, do you have any nuts?" he asks.
"No, I don't have nuts" is the reply.
"OK, do you have dates?".
"If I had nuts I would have dates".
He was chuffed to bits.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.
This made him:
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A bit of satire for you.
Taking it off, he turned to @Uglymusic and asked him if he had any tissues paper with him?
"what for?" asked @Uglymusic, "He's probably miles away by now"!
Talk about dyson with death!
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Smeleep"...
An Australian Love Poem.......
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round ya there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the rugby's on
And fetch another beer