A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
One afternoon Fred the farmhand was walking across the farmyard when he glanced in to the barn.
There, to his amazement, he saw his boss, Farmer Smith, dancing naked around his newly restored "little grey Fergie".
Fred new that Farmer Smith was proud of the restoration he'd done, but this seemed a little extreme, as well as dancing around the Fergie, he kept darting up to it, kissing and caressing it.
After a couple of minutes, Fred gently coughed.
Farmer Smith froze, and looked extremely embarrassed.
Fred eventually asked why Farmer Smith was doing what he was doing...
Farmer Smith explained that he and Mrs Smith had been having "marital difficulties, and that he's been to see the doctor, because Mrs Smith was no longer interested in sex.
According to Farmer Smith, the doctor had advised him to "Do something sexy to a tractor..."
With the holidays upon us I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on a Honda .
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic ....
wo Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over and says,
"I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £400,000!
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" the bloke screams, "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"F*** me," says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in London where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. Here is the answer to "who was Mr. Gorsky":
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,
"SEX! You want SEX?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on
the moon!"
It broke the place up. Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed this is a true story.
A man goes into a bar and with a VERY gruff voice says "pint of bitter please"
Barman " that sounds rough mate"
Man "war wound.....Falklands"
Barman "hang on there a minute, (short time later he comes back) what you guys did down there was fantastic, we've had a whipround, there's £75 in a pint pot here and drinks are on the house"
Actually, not a joke - but for real! Bonnie Tyler to reprazent da UK in this years Eurovision song contest!!
Personally, I shall be Holding out for a zero, she is more of a Total eclipse and a fart these days. As someone else has already suggested, John Lydon would have been better!
Comments
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
(stay on that dinosaur, Dave!)
'moo' I said, he went 'Baa'. I went first. - T Cooper
For finding hard pieces of furniture in the dark.
it depends on which side of the locked bathroom door you are.
originality: the art of concealing your sources.
(there you are Dave, you should put that one on your letterhead)
Also, if you get olive oil from squeezing olives, how do you get baby oil?
And, if cats holiday in a cattery, where do bugs go for holidays?
Actually a serious safety message, but so well done!
(A good pun is it's own reword)
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
It was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then,
Suddenly,
The chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre
And Claude was never invited to entertain again
One afternoon Fred the farmhand was walking across the farmyard when he glanced in to the barn.
There, to his amazement, he saw his boss, Farmer Smith, dancing naked around his newly restored "little grey Fergie".
Fred new that Farmer Smith was proud of the restoration he'd done, but
this seemed a little extreme, as well as dancing around the Fergie, he
kept darting up to it, kissing and caressing it.
After a couple of minutes, Fred gently coughed.
Farmer Smith froze, and looked extremely embarrassed.
Fred eventually asked why Farmer Smith was doing what he was doing...
Farmer Smith explained that he and Mrs Smith had been having "marital
difficulties, and that he's been to see the doctor, because Mrs Smith
was no longer interested in sex.
According to Farmer Smith, the doctor had advised him to "Do something sexy to a tractor..."
With the holidays upon us I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Merry Christmas!
It keeps telling us to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
The Cardiologist and the Mechanic.
A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on a Honda .
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic ....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over and says,
"I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £400,000!
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" the bloke screams, "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"F*** me," says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"
Breaking news.
Vegetarians angry at discovery that Tesco Value Nut Roast contains Horse Chestnuts!
Roses are red, violets are glorious, don't sneak up, on Oscar Pistorious!
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. Here is the answer to "who was Mr. Gorsky":
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,
"SEX! You want SEX?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on
the moon!"
It broke the place up. Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed this is a true story.
Personally, I shall be Holding out for a zero, she is more of a Total eclipse and a fart these days. As someone else has already suggested, John Lydon would have been better!