Joke Of The Day

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  • Shh! Next door might figure it out O:-)
  • Is that you on the Drums, cool  :-\"
  • I swallowed 20 scrabble tiles yesterday, I'm getting worried now.

    My next poo might spell disaster.
  • At the Olympics: (novelty eastern European accent required)

    "So, you are a pole vaulter?"

      -"No, I am Czech. And name is not Walter."
  • Along similar lines:

    A German man dives into the rough sea and rescues a distraught woman's drowning dog. He drags it to the beach and gives the kiss of life, reviving the animal.

    The relieved woman thanks him, and asks "Are you a vet?"

    The man replies "Vet? I am absolutely soaking!"
  • A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

    The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

    He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
  • Atheism: A non prophet organisation.
  • I thought you said you had a van?
  • Van is severely sick at the mo. :(  Waiting to see if we're looking at a fix, or if the bank will loan me enough to buy another.

    In the meantime:

    image
  • Not good. I hope your van isn't as sick as that link to an image ;-)
  • edited October 2013

    What do you call a group of squirrels recreating scenes from the birth of Christ? 

    A nut-ivity play





    Why were Santa's elves not happy with their boss? 

    Because Father Christmas had issued a pay freeze. 

  • Experience: something you get just after you really needed it.
  • A dog and a cat decide to have a race across the English Channel starting in Calais. Who won and why?
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    The Dog won of course. At the start of the race the official starting them off, a French chap, began... "Un, Deux, Trois",

    Quatre, Cinq !

    I'll get my mac' shall I :-)
  • I would :-D
  • edited October 2013
    image

    This came to mind early this evening and couldn't resist making a little poster thingy


  • For some reason, I hadn't watched this when it was posted. Fantastic!
    genius . =D>
  • Too funny! Be careful what you put into your back seat!
    Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
  • image

    Having stopped drinking I'm finding i have FAR more time on my hands than I know what's good for me :-)
  • Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A. A fsh.
  • image

    Having stopped drinking I'm finding i have FAR more time on my hands than I know what's good for me :-)
    I'm surprised you're welcome in France as a non-drinking veggie :-O
  • Non-drinking is only a passing phase (one of my bad days you could say). We do it every once in a while for a few months.
  • Best to not upset the natives. Pip! Pip!
  • Best to not upset the natives. Pip! Pip!
    Indeed not...our only consolation is the Bretons hate the Parisians more than they hate the English...just!
  • Having worked there back in the day, I know Parisians are from a different planet!
  • I know a man who had a penis extension.

    Now his house looks really silly.
  • edited November 2013
    THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

    Dear Wife,

    I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Dear Ex-Husband,

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
  • edited November 2013
    The divorce letter is great.
    Not a joke but I bought this bottle of red in Paris over the weekend....just couldn't resist it. image
    image
  • Something found in translation, I think ;-)

    Was it good?
  • NO! it was rough as you like but after a 6 hour train journey it got chucked back:-0)
  • Four fonts walk into a bar.

    "Get out! We don't serve your type in here!", yelled the barman.



    In Afghanistan, it is dangerous to conduct a census due to the taliban.  (think about it...)
  • Was he a Space Barman serving Apples only??
  • The man who invented the jiffy bag made a packet.

    I start a new job in Seoul next week, seems a good Korea move.

    Dyslexic psychics can look into your furniture.
  • The man who invented the jiffy bag made a packet.

    I start a new job in Seoul next week, seems a good Korea move.

    Dyslexic psychics can look into your furniture.
    That's great !!!
  • What do you do if you see a spaceman?

    Park in it, man.
  • The man who invented the jiffy bag made a packet.


    I start a new job in Seoul next week, seems a good Korea move.


    Dyslexic psychics can look into your furniture.
    Seconded. Well done Mr. Brown. Not bad. For you.
  • I could not erad ti mi Diaeresis is plaing naims
  • some of those are good :-)
  • After this week's shocking revelations, Nigella has been offered a new television series. It's called Breaking Bread
  • :0)

    http://textastrophe.com/?og=1
    image
    I saw that earlier today on Facebook and it raised a smile....

  • Hakuna matata, man!  =))  He is bad...
  • A Koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a  joint
    image
    when  a little lizard walked past,  looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!  What are you doing?'

    image


    The Koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
       

    image
    So the little lizard climbed up and  sat next to the Koala where they enjoyed a few joints.  After a while the little  lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he  was going  to get a drink from the river.

    image
    The  little lizard was so stoned that  he leaned over too far and  fell into the river.
    A crocodile saw this and  swam over  to the little lizard and helped him to the side.  Then  he  asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with  you?'

    The  little lizard explained to the crocodile  that he had been sitting  with the Koala in the tree, smoking  a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while  taking a drink..

    The crocodile said that he had to  check this out and walked into the  rain forest, found the  tree where the Koala was sitting finishing  a joint. The  crocodile looked up and said,


    image
    'Hey  you!'

    So the Koala looked down at him and  said,

    image
    'F
     **K   me....
    how  much water did you  drink!?'
      
  • An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 
     
    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
     
    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
     
    Man: 'What sins?' 
     
    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

     

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
     
    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
     
    Man: 'I'm 92 years old .
     . . . I'm telling everybody!' 
  • Is this the meaning of S.H.I.T.?

    Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

    It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

    Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

    Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
    .


    After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

    Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

    You probably did not know the true history of this word.

    Neither did I.

    I had always thought it was a golf term.
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