Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
A business was expanding and opening a new depot. One of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
Ah, election time again. It comes round fast, but as Mark Twain said: politicians and nappies should always be changed frequently. And for the same reasons :-D
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”
Putin says "Good questions”, but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions”
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
From Judith Murphy I thought I should share, I giggle so much.Thanks Cuz.
Top 8 Morons of 2014: 1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up!'
3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???* An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. *THE GETAWAY!!!* A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. *DID I SAY THAT???* Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'
6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???* A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?', the doctor asked. 'No! Jackass!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!* In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!* Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! I think I knew this guy!!!
Joke of the week Geoff's want to buy my shares of IPI to own TQ completely and has offered a pittance. And it's my IP so he should be paying me more. Having now acquired some good legal advice and a No Win No fee deal it is going to be fun.
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, " If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, " And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing: Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
Smile, life is too short not to! If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on with a smile Keep spreading the Cheer. See you at the river
Comments
Quark!
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
I wonder where she is this morning, it is past the time she usually makes breakfast...
Remaining Kula Shaker fans to breed.
Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
A: Bernadette
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test , I decided to have my next test carried out while in
Phuket, where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual I was asked to strip off, and lay naked on my side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" I said.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"
"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
A business was expanding and opening a new depot. One of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
"I’m getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”
Putin says "Good questions”, but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions”
"My Questions are -
1 - Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
2 - Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
3 - Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
4 - And Where is Sasha?"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Because he wanted to write a best cellar.
After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years…………..
At the press conference, Orville was left speechless.
From Judith Murphy I thought I should share, I giggle so much.Thanks Cuz.
Top 8 Morons of 2014:
1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up!'
3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???*
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. *THE GETAWAY!!!*
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. *DID I SAY THAT???*
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'
6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???*
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?', the doctor asked. 'No! Jackass!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!*
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!*
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
I think I knew this guy!!!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloom in well pouring
with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God
loves drunken people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything!”
Just forgive him and baguette about it.
(But only if you're bready to.)
More here... clicky
Double grazing.
Hymn #365
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, " If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, " And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing: Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
Smile, life is too short not to!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river
"Or Vole. It won't matter in scrabble".